Longing for a younger sister...

We were 6 siblings in the family. Me as next to the youngest and our youngest, Desiree. She is a cerebral palsy kid.

Cerebral palsy (CP) is an umbrella term encompassing a group of non-progressive, non-contagious motor conditions that cause physical disability in human development, chiefly in the various areas of body movement.

She meant a lot to me. She was the one whom I talk to every time I am down and angry. I don't care if she doesn't talk or respond. I can see in her eyes that she is listening and knows what I'm saying. Physically I never experienced to have a younger sister but I know mentally and emotionally she's there. It's maybe a natural way to long for a younger sister's love and affection since she can't give it to me because of her condition. I understand the case. I took up Bachelor of Science in Nursing because of her. I wanted to apply all the knowledge about caring for the sick and dreamt of finding the cure for her. She was my inspiration and the reason why I lasted 2 years in Nursing. It was working out well. Me going to school and taking care of her at the same time especially when I go home. I told her and made a bond that when she goes, I go. It seems that life without her is useless for me. She got all the attention from my parents and siblings but I understood it. There were just times that I needed some but no did ever gave me a little bit of attention. 

I went to college and pursued Nursing. I was on my second year then when the most fearful thing I though of happened. 

It was on the morning of January 27, 2007. Me and my older sister were invited to a wedding. We went to Davao. Before we went there, I said to Desiree that she needs to wait for me. I also told her that it won't be long. I noticed her hands looking pale and seems like no more blood is running through those innocent fingers. She had the last dose of her medicine at around 9am. That was the last prescription that the doctor gave and we never understood what was happening. 

We traveled from Digos to Davao for an hour and we arrived at the house of my sister at 11 am. Then we went to the church at 1pm. the wedding started at 2. Me and my niece went out for a walk. She was running in front of me and then she stopped and cried then said 'Ate siray is dead'. I never took the message seriously. I just laughed and told her that tita is in Digos and lying there. She run toward her mom and cried. After the wedding we went to the Grand Regal Hotel. I didn't noticed my phone was ringing. We seated in the corner of the reception room and I was about to check my phone for some messages when my brother called. He told me to get out of the room. I asked him what happened. He never want to say it unless I'm no longer with my older sister. I then pretend I went out.

At first I didn't heard what he said because of the music in the room. Then I realized something happened when he was already crying. He said that Desiree left us. I denied it at first but he insisted. My tears were falling fast that I didn't even noticed it. I wanted to scream and tell the world about how angry I am. I paused and told my sister that I need to go home because of an emergency. She insisted to have me stay there. I then told her that Desiree was rushed in the hospital (I was afraid that my older sister faint--- she has a heart condition). She then allowed me to go. 

I was running down the stairs of the hotel and felt nothing but pain. I never noticed the people around me looking at me crying. I went to the boarding house and told my best friend about it. I took all the pictures of her on the wall and hugged it. I cried and cried and cried. I felt the world against me. I was very angry. 

I went to the terminal and went home to Digos. When I arrived, It was like I wanted to go back and never wanted to go home and see her body. When I was there I felt the sadness of our house. Mom, Dad, and my two brothers were there eating and very silent. I saw her body lying on her bed. Just like an ordinary day where she sleeps. The only difference, she is no longer breathing. I asked her to breathe, I begged her to breathe and make me realize that all of it wasn't true. But there was no response... She's dead. I no longer have a younger sister and a best friend. 

From then, I never had the inspiration. I did finish nursing but I never wanted to pursue it. Every time I see someone like her, my heart crushes and I can't breathe and wanted to cry. 

Now, I have moved on and realized that it was better that way than seeing her suffering because of the condition.

However, it seems like a normal thing for me to care for someone younger than me the way I did for my sister... 

Wherever you are sis, wait for me. I'll be there and will love you the same way I did here on earth... 

Missing you so much.... :(