It's been a year since I last posted in here. I never had the time to browse or post because I was so busy with work and it has been a stressful year. However, I have these emails from my blog that many people are posting or commenting and it surprised me. From the response that I had on one article, this blog was supposedly for my own personal use. It's like a diary. I can say what I want and I can do what I want with it. It was already overwhelming knowing that for the past few days, I have been receiving comments from those people who viewed my blog and commented. All of the compliments are absolutely brilliant and made me want to write again.
I lost the inspiration to write because of some dumb problems, that I was too focused about it. It just came to my mind while scrolling down to my emails that this might be one of the solutions not to over think things.
To start off, before I stopped writing, my topic was all about Jang Keun Suk. I had been a fan and always will be. But right now, I have too many things in my mind that I really want to share.
About family. I am the youngest. I have half brothers and sisters but my full blood sister already died. I'm the only one who is not married but that has work. I decided to look for a job after graduating because my siblings became my frustration. All of them are married, have kids but still staying and asking for money, food, electricity and all from my mom. It's very suffocating to stay in my hometown and in our house. How would you feel to see your mom looking old, tired and crying every time you go home? I would surely say you would feel you're in hell. My real dad doesn't have any work because he has COPD. Another struggle I've been trying to overcome.
Having this kind of family was not really what I wanted. I always say that if only I could chose the family that I want, this would never be the option that I'd take. Still I can say that even if I hated to be in this situation, I still love them. I just really hope that my siblings would realize that our mother won't be there forever. Since I graduated that's the first thing that came to my mind. I need to work hard for my own future and yes, I am doing that now and I'm proud of it. Even though, I still have the guts to ask money from my mom especially when I ran out of funds, it always makes me fulfilled that I haven't been a big problem for her. Aside from the fact that I am not yet married and most importantly I am not that dependent on her. I always say this to my mom "I'm sorry if I haven't given you the things that you have provided me since the day I was born. The only thing that I can give you is the responsibility and the independence that you have engraved in my mind while I was growing up. I am very much thankful to have you as my mom that worked hard for all of us. I am not promising anything but I will do my best in my power to give you the life that you should deserve." My mom would always end up silent and me hoping that she would realize she has to let go of them because it's for their own good and hers as well. Unfortunately, she's the most typical-naive mother you would know. If you know what I mean. I miss her so much as well as my dad but I don't want to go home because if I'm there my whole week in work once I go back will be a mess.
Another thing that always gives me headaches is friendship. This is one of my weakness. I am the type of friend who tolerates everything you do, I would never go against your will, and would never argue with the things that you decide as long as you know your responsibility and consequences for every decision that you'll take, either good or bad. The only thing this perception makes it complicated is that, most of my friends and the closest ones can manipulate me. They always think that everything is okay with me. They think that every smile that I have are real and they don't know what is happening inside me. They are very preoccupied from the fact that I tolerate them. The bad thing is, they don't know the morale of the things that I am doing for them.
God gave us the greatest gift he could ever provide. It's the WILL to decide on what is wrong and right. For me having a friend is like keeping a diary. You can write anything on it. Every heartbreak, happiness, disappointments and every thing that you want to blurt out. A diary would never go against your will or even talk back. It would accept every ink that you have painted. The only thing that a diary could do is to make you realize all the things that you did, whether good or bad, every time you read each of the pages that you have made. That for me is friendship.
We were made to be unique individuals and every person has their own way of surviving. You can't say that a friend should be frank to say that you are wrong or right. You and yourself knows what is wrong and what is right. You made the decision not because you were told to do that or forced. Another thing is to manipulate a friend. When I say manipulate I mean those kind of friends that always say "This is the right thing to do","That was so wrong", or worst "You are so stupid". In my opinion, that would never help your friend to do the right thing or even the wrong ones. It would simply make her self esteem lower. Or worst, he or she would want to do the things that is opposite from what you are saying. That friend would think, I need to prove them wrong. Not a healthy relationship for me.
To make the story short, I want a friend who simply knows everything about me. A diary that I can cry myself out. Who never gets jealous to other friends that I have because she knows the fact that at the end of the day I will hold that pen and write. The friend that helps me to be independent and not jailed because of the restrictions that she has for the relationship. A friend that will never take me for granted. I want the best and most beautiful diary in the whole world.
The next thing in my mind that has been keeping me frustrated for nth time is work. As what elders say "It will be dragging for the next 5 years to have the same job when you're still young". Absolutely correct! I have been working in this company for four years. The same task and customers. And god I hate this job. As for the fact that I don't want to be manipulated, it's really making me feel like I'm a prisoner of some war or dictatorial era. Pushing me to the limits is really not my dream. Not even the word push can make me feel any different. I would go the other way around. The only thing that makes me stay is the compensation. Well, I don't want to stress out myself. I've been thinking to change preference to bring back the old me. The eagerness to work and the inspiration to do the things that I love. I smell that one paper coming!
Lastly, looking for that special someone. I've been on this online dating site for 3 years and the first year was not that important for me. It has been recently that I felt I want to have a relationship to some foreigner. I'm not a racist. It's purely because of the experiences that I had since puberty stage. For me, dating a Filipino guy is like over rated. Most of the relationship I had was dragging, manipulating, sickening and not for real. It was always good for a few months. But when you start to know the things that you didn't know about that person, it would feel suffocating. They say real love always comes with acceptance. Accept the person that you know and things that you still don't know. Yes, I believe in that. It's always not easy to do it though. How can you love someone who doesn't understand you, manipulates you or uses you? Would you still go for that fact in accepting him or her no matter what? Not for me. My past relationships were like that. The most recent one was dragging. Thank God it ended. After that, I decided to close my heart to the possibility of having a Filipino guy.
Most of the men in our country loves to talk about everything and loves to flatter women even if they don't mean it. It also happens a lot to have a dragging relationship with them because they always say they love you even if they don't. They do the opposite things. They don't talk and they have what they call as PRIDE! I think almost all of the men has that, but very dominant in the Philippines. That's why I decided to change course. I want someone from the US or European countries. Well, that was when I thought they were very different. I solely believe that most of the men in those countries are very vocal and frank. I never had a relationship with a western guy though but I experienced talking to a lot of them online. When they say they don't like you, hitting that block button is as easy as saying hi. They won't stay with you. If they want to end the relationship then that's it. Which is the weirdest thing that I like about them. I don't get offended when someone doesn't want to talk to me or even block me. I admire them for doing that.
It's just that recently I realized that almost all of the guys I talk to online are stupid. Stupid because we have what we call as profile. You can say the things that you want from a guy or your perfect match. I have already listed some of the things I want and damn them they don't understand every inch that I say. I might as well delete the account one of these days because they are adding frustration and stress to my nerves. You can actually check out my profile there http://www.findloveasia.com/meih25 Believe it or not almost everyday I get block listed guys when I am online and I just end up not replying to them no matter how much they have or how awesome they are. Another thing that makes me feel sick is the perception of the western guys that all Filipinas want money. I am easily irritated with that but I don't blame them. It's just the same thing that I said regarding other races. Well, if you don't like it then don't reply. I would assume that once a person sent me a message, he read my profile properly.
That's pretty it. Those are the things that has been on my mind since the day I last posted in here. Thank you for the followers and I hope you enjoyed!
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