Longing for a younger sister...

We were 6 siblings in the family. Me as next to the youngest and our youngest, Desiree. She is a cerebral palsy kid.

Cerebral palsy (CP) is an umbrella term encompassing a group of non-progressive, non-contagious motor conditions that cause physical disability in human development, chiefly in the various areas of body movement.

She meant a lot to me. She was the one whom I talk to every time I am down and angry. I don't care if she doesn't talk or respond. I can see in her eyes that she is listening and knows what I'm saying. Physically I never experienced to have a younger sister but I know mentally and emotionally she's there. It's maybe a natural way to long for a younger sister's love and affection since she can't give it to me because of her condition. I understand the case. I took up Bachelor of Science in Nursing because of her. I wanted to apply all the knowledge about caring for the sick and dreamt of finding the cure for her. She was my inspiration and the reason why I lasted 2 years in Nursing. It was working out well. Me going to school and taking care of her at the same time especially when I go home. I told her and made a bond that when she goes, I go. It seems that life without her is useless for me. She got all the attention from my parents and siblings but I understood it. There were just times that I needed some but no did ever gave me a little bit of attention. 

I went to college and pursued Nursing. I was on my second year then when the most fearful thing I though of happened. 

It was on the morning of January 27, 2007. Me and my older sister were invited to a wedding. We went to Davao. Before we went there, I said to Desiree that she needs to wait for me. I also told her that it won't be long. I noticed her hands looking pale and seems like no more blood is running through those innocent fingers. She had the last dose of her medicine at around 9am. That was the last prescription that the doctor gave and we never understood what was happening. 

We traveled from Digos to Davao for an hour and we arrived at the house of my sister at 11 am. Then we went to the church at 1pm. the wedding started at 2. Me and my niece went out for a walk. She was running in front of me and then she stopped and cried then said 'Ate siray is dead'. I never took the message seriously. I just laughed and told her that tita is in Digos and lying there. She run toward her mom and cried. After the wedding we went to the Grand Regal Hotel. I didn't noticed my phone was ringing. We seated in the corner of the reception room and I was about to check my phone for some messages when my brother called. He told me to get out of the room. I asked him what happened. He never want to say it unless I'm no longer with my older sister. I then pretend I went out.

At first I didn't heard what he said because of the music in the room. Then I realized something happened when he was already crying. He said that Desiree left us. I denied it at first but he insisted. My tears were falling fast that I didn't even noticed it. I wanted to scream and tell the world about how angry I am. I paused and told my sister that I need to go home because of an emergency. She insisted to have me stay there. I then told her that Desiree was rushed in the hospital (I was afraid that my older sister faint--- she has a heart condition). She then allowed me to go. 

I was running down the stairs of the hotel and felt nothing but pain. I never noticed the people around me looking at me crying. I went to the boarding house and told my best friend about it. I took all the pictures of her on the wall and hugged it. I cried and cried and cried. I felt the world against me. I was very angry. 

I went to the terminal and went home to Digos. When I arrived, It was like I wanted to go back and never wanted to go home and see her body. When I was there I felt the sadness of our house. Mom, Dad, and my two brothers were there eating and very silent. I saw her body lying on her bed. Just like an ordinary day where she sleeps. The only difference, she is no longer breathing. I asked her to breathe, I begged her to breathe and make me realize that all of it wasn't true. But there was no response... She's dead. I no longer have a younger sister and a best friend. 

From then, I never had the inspiration. I did finish nursing but I never wanted to pursue it. Every time I see someone like her, my heart crushes and I can't breathe and wanted to cry. 

Now, I have moved on and realized that it was better that way than seeing her suffering because of the condition.

However, it seems like a normal thing for me to care for someone younger than me the way I did for my sister... 

Wherever you are sis, wait for me. I'll be there and will love you the same way I did here on earth... 

Missing you so much.... :(

Different....

Hello. I'm here again posting these messages on this website. Hmmm... What can I say? 

Before ko pa na meet mga new friends ko, I never imagined na it would be very fun.

To start... When I was still in college, I was the one whom they call as Meih short for Mameih or Mommy. I was the biggest person in our clasroom. I had friends then. We do the normal stuff, like goin out, eat and do some crazy things at times. The enjoyment was different from what I am experiencing right now. It's no longer about boyfriends and girlfriends. No more study habits and things inside the room. No more grade topics and everything else about school. (Although I really miss it a lot). Everything changed. Now, it's all about life. I've met different kinds of people. The one thing I've learned for the past few years of my life, truly man is unique.We change. In time, it is no longer about toys, boys and life. 

Lately, I've been with people from the music side of the world. They are great and you can really see their passion towards music and how they handle their life. Some of them just enjoying the time while others do it for survival. I never really understood the way they lived before and the love they give to the harmony of life. They are very deep. Music is their only way in showing what they feel and what they want. 

The one thing I noticed about them is that they are very good in pretending (Not the bad thing). They can blind you with their smiles and happy eyes. Deep inside, they are hurting and no one can really understand what they feel. I met this person, she just came from Japan and when you see her, you can really feel how happy she was. But as I try to understand the gestures and everything else about her, I can see the problems inside those eyes and how she is handling it. I was right. It was all about money and family problems. 

I'm running out of words again... Will continue soon.

What a day!

September 8 is our fiesta in Digos... Since I studied and worked here on Davao, I haven't celebrated the event....

This year I wanted it to be the most memorable one. Two weeks before the celebration, I asked my supervisor for a rest day on that date and was so glad when he approved it.

I was too excited. September 8 came. I woke up early, ate my breakfast and went to work. I was too anxious to go home. Atlast! My shift ended at 4:40 pm. I then texted Dhee my friend. Unfortunately, she told me  she doesn't have spare money for the fare. My friend Chrisna also texted me that she is in Davao and wants to fetch me up and we'll go together in Digos. I then thought of Dhee. Too bad Dhee haven't prepared her things yet. We ended up riding on the bus. We were havin' fun while talking. It was raining that time. Then Chrisna texted me again and said they were stranded near digos because of flood. We were still in Darong that time, 1 hour drive away from Digos. After 45 minutes we arrived at badiang and got stranded for 30 minutes. It was very cold in the bus. Still raining. I then texted my mom and she called me. She was very worried because she can't contact me. We arrived in Digos at around 8:30 pm. Had a smoke with Dhee and went home.

I was surprised when I saw my aunt and my cousins at home. They planned to visit Digos to have fun but sad to say it was raining. We had plans with my highschool friends to have a reunion and eat at Penongs. I then went to Penongs with my mom. We ate and the 4 of them arrived. Mabeth, Sahara, Daphne and Haidee was there.  We were shocked when we saw big people about 6-7ft.  We didn't know that they were PBA players. Darn! GINEBRA PBA players. If only we were fond of watching basketball we would have got an autograph. We talked and took pictures. We started walking in the rain from penongs to the park. 

I had the time of my life. Didn't care about the rain. I just felt like walking and enjoying the moment with my old friends. Then my cousins texted and wanted to go with me. I told them that it was raining and I'm with my friends. They didn't care. While walking I told them to wait for me cause I need to fetch Daryl. They agreed. Daryl told me that all of our other cousins are on their way. I waited at the Highway and they came. Me, my cousins and old friends were together. Walked for 2 hours and still no vacant place to stay. My jacket was wet. 

At 12 am we were stunned and amazed because of the fireworks. It was so wonderful. It felt like I was 6 years old again. Arianne took pictures of it and it lasted for 20 minutes. The rain still didn't want us to enjoy the night. Still the people were walking, having fun and drinking. My friends decided to go home. Me and my cousins were very exhausted because we were walking for like 3 hours already. After an hour we stayed in OUTPOST. A small bar near the church in Digos. Tagalog na naman ha... nauubusan na kasi ako... lol... Ayun, nag inuman na kami. Bumili ng yosi atuminom ng uminom

Inimbita ko si PAST sa outpost... nagkatuwaan at naginuman parin. Nagtransfer kami sa Kalye uno kasi tinxt ako ng kakilala ko.Wala pala sya dun andun pala sa isang bar na yoko na sanang puntahan... Pero kasi lasing, pinuntahan namin. Nag withdraw pa kami ni Arriane. Pagdating namin, nakita ko nanaman siya.... hindi maalis -alis ang mata ko sa mukha nya.... I felt the song eventhough it was in the tune of rnb. I wanted to talk to him and hug him even wanted to kiss him. I realized that I did miss him that much. Tinawag ko yung ko kakilala ko na drummer at sinabi ko ang plano namin pa cebu this coming 18th. Tapos nun umuwi na mga cousins ko at ako din. 

I went home felt like hopeless and wanted to cry... Kasi I really don't want to see him. Para akong tanga noh...Inlove ako sa isang taong bago ko pa lang nakilala.. bakit ba kasi :(

The overall experience was average. I had fun but at the same time pissed off. 

Belated happy aniversary Digos...

Lastly, I heard this message from an old lady 'daw linte ning mga batan on bsta disco daghan kay tao. Wa man gahuna huna sa simbahan na birthday man ni Mama Mary. Tuara gi gab-an di na undangon ang ulan' hahaha... May tama ka lola.... :)